Ah, dating apps, like a digital department store’s display counter of love, where swipes sometimes lead to texts, and texts often lead to...more swipes. If you find yourself banging your head against the wall and asking what gives, let’s take a closer look at an all too common culprit: people who only talk about themselves and don’t ask questions.

Getting-to-Know-You-Goals: 

Start Small, But Don’t Start an In-App Convo Without Them

One advantage of using text intros as your starting point is you only need to figure out if the tone, tempo, direction, and depth of your texting voices click in those first few messages. Your first goal is to decide how the first few texts make you feel. If you feel ‘meh’ because 1) they kicked things off with one of the cringingly generic “how’s your day going?” type of intros and then just barely answered your question(s) with the fewest, non-descriptive words possible (like, did they confuse their dating app match conversation for the credit check application form they need to fill out?), or 2) the only notice they took of your profile details was to launch into how your vacation pic is "nice" and then give three paragraphs of unsolicited advice on the better, non-touristy things you should be doing on your vacations, I recommend just move on. You don’t know them, and if that’s their idea of a good first impression, do you want to?

And that brings me to your second goal. Decide if you and this match have the same convo goal. If your goal is to find common ground, flatter, and create connection, but their goal is to show-off and impress, persuade, or even con you, like with love bombers, catfishers, or scammers, then you don’t even have any building blocks of compatibility and I recommend just move on.

When to Swipe Left on “Swagger”

Dating convos need to be more than a self-centering word swap to get a little attention. (Cue Bette Midler in Beaches: “But enough about me. What do YOU think about me?”) Otherwise, what’s the point? Conversations are meant to be a dance of energies, emotions, intentions, and unspoken understandings, where each person has the space to be themselves and open up to the possibility of feeling a little more heard, valued, intrigued, inspired, and changed by each other.

You know the drill: you finally match with someone who checks your initial boxes, you exchange greetings, and you're at that critical point where the conversation either fizzles out or catches fire. So, you send a slightly longer message. A thoughtful combo of curiosity, wit, and charm (and maybe a sprinkle of desperation), hoping to heighten anticipation and flirty banter. But instead of volleying with you to match your energy and tone with a clever comeback and question about your favorite conspiracy theory or your celebrity hair collection, you either get back strictly factual - and connection killing - one-to-four word answers, or you’re bombarded by a bewildering stream of consciousness monologue full of humblebrags and unchecked opinions. 

Decoding Insecurity in Dating Convos

Reading these messages, you feel that familiar pit in your stomach, you let out another discouraged sigh, and wonder why do they seem so confident with what seems like an eight-word vocabulary or by owning the room and trying to impress you with a self-righteous lecture about the topic you wrote your master’s thesis on, when, if you’re being honest, it all gives you the ick? 

Don’t be fooled. Here’s why: that isn’t how you do confidence. When someone monopolizes the conversation and makes you feel small, that’s not confidence talking, that’s: 

1) overcompensating for their own insecurities, and 

2) riding the dopamine high we get from talking about ourselves that feels so euphoric they regress to their-inner-child-at-a-birthday-party-state, where they get so lost in their own world of brightly colored fun, they don’t care if anyone else wants to play. 

Deep down, they’re usually scared of being judged as not enough in some way. So they cope by controlling the conversation and relying on familiar topics—themselves—to manage those fears. And this isn’t something people consciously do. They haven’t learned how to be vulnerable, sit in the mild (to me, at least) uncertainty of listening to a different perspective, or trust that others will show genuine interest in them, never mind acceptance and love. 

Beware the Niceness Trap

No matter how many boxes a match appears to check off, when they won’t make it a two-way convo and include you, which means intentionally engaging with and validating your perspectives and feelings, you rightly don’t feel seen or like you matter. And you absolutely do need to feel seen, valued, and respected consistently, in any relationship. This can be hard to do when we carry around a deep fear of rejection. The thing is, that fear arose under different, higher-stakes situations when, for example, we lost a real - not just a potential - bond with a loved one and got used to accepting less than the bare minimum of attention and respect because maybe we feared getting too close again, or maybe we felt that any closeness was better than none, or both. 

When we prioritize other people’s feelings, needs, and wants at the expense of our own (aka people pleasing), because we need others to need us, it may help to ask ourselves what does not being chosen by strangers  - who we won’t have a good read on for a long time - mean to us? What do we believe about ourselves? And, what do we expect from these first steps in the dating process? Because being the always nice overfunctioner will not, one day, win us the love we want and deserve. However much we give, it will never be enough. 

Trying to earn someone’s approval is one way many of us learned to take some control. But, needing to be seen as the nice one who’s easy going and over-giving conditions our value on being what others want us to be, not accepted for who we are. And it won’t make others one day see the light and start meeting our unexpressed expectations and needs. It usually means others take advantage of this over-functioning because they won’t face negative consequences. 

As psychologist Adam Grant said, "insecure people always need to be heard. They aim to prove their knowledge and feel important. They seek status by getting attention.”

On the other hand, “secure people are happy to listen. They want to improve their knowledge and make others feel important. They earn respect by giving attention."

Secure people are patient, humble, and generous without being sacrificing. 

Ready for a Dating Reset?

I help clients explore rewarding and effective ways to get their needs met in relationships that don’t hinge on prioritizing and meeting someone else’s needs and expectations before their own, and to stop clinging to the hope that self-sacrifice will eventually change someone into who they want them to be. It won’t. 

Whether you're curious about dating apps or a seasoned swiper who wants to level up your dating game, I’m here to help. Schedule a free connection call with me here. Here’s to smarter swiping!

#DatingAdvice #RedFlags #FirstImpressions #DatingApps #SwipeLeft #ConversationSkills #DatingTips #DatingCoach #FindLove #SwipeSmart #DatingMindset #PeoplePleasing #DatingBurnout #DatingFatigue